Making Christmas a gift for your grief

As I write this blog, I am thinking of my friends whose loved ones passed on to the Great Beyond just recently. I feel their pain as they try to cope with their grief especially at this time when others are busy preparing for the Holiday Season. As one writer aptly described, “ Christmas and grieving don’t fit together. Christmas as popular culture tells us, is supposed to be joyful, lively, cherry and warm, filled with family and friends. Grief, on the other hand, is a painful, difficult, and often lonely journey that can shake you to your core.”

I am reminded of the death of my own mother who passed away on the first week of December in 1994. I rushed home to the Philippines in a flight full of excited passengers who will be celebrating Christmas in their hometowns for the first time since they left for the United States. While I was seated all alone nursing my grief, those around me were humming Christmas carols. I’m coming home for the interment of my beloved mother while they are coming home to celebrate Christmas with their loved ones. Indeed, that was one of the loneliest moments in my life.

Looking back, I realized that when you have lost a loved one at this time of the year, longing for her or his presence becomes an inseparable part of your Christmas experience. During what used to be among the happiest time of the year, now becomes a bittersweet experience, and Christmas is never the same again. You feel a persistent ache in your heart.

The comforting and wonderful fact is that within Christmas itself lies a powerful way for you to move through your feelings of loss. Your memories of Christmases past can soothe your pain, make the spirit of your loved one present, and help you integrate your loss into your life. Use your Christmas memories to heal your grief.
How can one do these?

First, accept the memories as they come. “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it not against it.”

Second, share your memories with others and listen to theirs. Storytelling is a traditional part of Christmas and what better opportunity to share stories of your loved one than when you are gathered together in love and celebration? Remember the funny stories, too. Sharing laughter is important a part of healing as tears.

Third, Remember your loved one in your Christmas traditions. Recall gifts your loved one gave to different family members. Are there some with special meaning? Remember especially the intangible gifts your loved one gave you – caring, strength, kindness, encouragement, humor, love – and, most of all the gift that your loved one was.

Fourth, let the blessing of memories ease your grief. Through your memories, you can know once more the happiness of a past moment and experience the spirit of your loved one.

Fifth, Find consolation and wisdom in the meaning of Christmas. Christmas celebrates the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, offering the promise of a new life of peace, love and hope.

Place yourself within the warmth and light of Christmas, open your heart to its magic and mystery, and treasure the memories of your loved one. Be comforted by the Christmas message of life and grace, and know that your loved one’s spirit endures. Let Christmas be a gift for your grief. Let Jesus reign in your heart. (Excerpts from CareNotes).